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October 27, 2008

Unsure

I think everyone has times when they just feel kind of lonely... the last week or so has been that way for me.
It's true, I see my friends almost every day (especially Amber... sheesh!) but for some reason I feel like there isn't much effort in talking to me. I feel like my best friends aren't my best friends, more like acquaintances.
I have noticed that this does just happen to me every now and then. I feel lonely even though I am surrounded by people. I fell loved by my Father in Heaven and my family but that's about it. That isn't a bad thing at all, I know I get a lot more than a lot of people do... but I just can't shake the feeling of loneliness.
I know it's all in my head (at least I hope it is) and this too shall pass. I'm thinking this is why I haven't posted in a while because a lot has happened since I last blogged. I'm actually liking my serving job a lot more than I thought I would. I am learning to appreciate my internship more and have been assured that it will get more exciting soon. School is going better, I don't loathe going EVERY day. I am struggling with being healthy, and I don't like it one bit. I am so used to being a person with a lot of will power and for some reason that is all gone down the drain (this is also a contributor to my unsure state).
Another thing that has brought me a little discomfort is an experience I recently had...
Not many people know (in fact, just two or three) that I was preparing myself to go through the temple some time next spring. I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was something I wanted and I felt it was right even though I knew it wouldn't be for a while. I decided to talk with my bishop about it before I told everyone about my plan. I discussed it with him and, because he hasn't been a bishop very long, he didn't know what the procedure was for a young woman who wanted to receive her endowment without preparing for a mission or marriage. He told me he would talk to the stake president about it the next week and he would let me know what steps I should take. Turns out, it is not advised unless you are getting married, going on a mission or in your LATE 20s... none of which I am. I suppose it just isn't the right time, but it's still a little heart-breaking. In fact, the day I found out I cried all through the last hour of church. It is something I need to accept and move past, and hopefully I will grow from the experience.

Thanks for reading!

8 comments:

Tawni said...

Lisa I have felt the same way many times in the last couple of years, and it usually happened every month or two. It's so depressing! I hope you feel better soon - you do have people who love you! And I'm sorry you don't get to go to the temple yet. (Personally, I think 25 qualifies - I've known people who are younger that went.)

Annie said...

I've had the same rejection in regards to the temple. It's so hard when you feel spiritually ready.

I'm sorry about the loneliness. It's hard at this time of our life. I've noticed that I feel lonely especially after big changes in life, which have been happening a lot lately.

I love you so much and think you are amazing! You can make it through! I have complete faith in you!!!!

Shina said...

Lisa i love you. Im sorry things your feeling the way you are. I love you girl!!!

Ashley said...

Hey! Add me to the list of people that love you :) It must be a girl thing. I think we all feel lonely sometimes. Heck, I am alone all day long- well James is with me. But it gets lonely not talking to people and the only thing you hear all day is dada. I think that is why I am so into this blog thing. It is my link to the outside world. So enjoy being out in the world associating with people because one day you'll be sitting at home with the kiddies :)

Melanie and Steve Barnes said...

Since I wasn't married until I was 24, I felt the same way. I felt gypped that I couldn't go through unless I was engaged or leaving on a mission. It especially stunk because I had been engaged and broke it off after two months, then I had my mission papers and last minute knew through more prayer that I wasn't supposed to go on a mission. I do not regret my wait. I think Heavenly Father was teaching me patience, and that things waited for are just all the sweeter the longer you have to wait for them. Trust me, it's worth waiting for, and it will come at the right time.

I thought I was prepared, and when I finally DID go through for my first time, I realized just how unprepared I really was. Take all the time you have to prepare. When you get to go through, you will be wishing you would have had even more time! Not necessarily by reading up on temple prep stuff, but what I recommend is to just work on becoming as close to the Spirit as you can get, and maintain that closeness. That is the most important preparation you can have. Really, there isn't much else that can prepare you, because not much is discussed about temple ordinances outside of the temple. Those kinds of things come as you attend regularly after you've been through.

I am STILL learning every time I go, and I still feel like a "newbie". It is wonderful though, and you will not regret the wait, if you use it to just become all the more prepared for that special day. It might not feel like a positive thing now, but really, it is all in God's time. And the first time you are there, you will feel something so wonderful that you will not remember the pain of waiting.

Melanie and Steve Barnes said...

And your man is gonna be all the more appreciated by you when you get him too! Take it from someone who waited and regrets all the worrying I did, when the worrying only made the waiting miserable, instead of making it come faster. It makes the waiting seem longer actually.

I finally (at 23) decided to live for the current day, and enjoy what I was currently doing in my life. It just hit me one day that I didn't want to be miserable and just "waiting" for my life to start. So that's when it started. My life started then.

I wish I would have learned that sooner. I was SO much happier, and now when I look back, I am SO grateful that I had time to be single. That I had time to focus on me. That I had money to spend on just me, on things I wanted, not just groceries and lightbulbs. I am glad I had time to flirt and date around for fun. I'm glad I had time to live with a bunch of girls and goof off into all hours of the night! I am glad I had time to enjoy having and dressing my pre-pregnant body. Oh, how I miss my waist! Those years are so precious to me now. I look back at them with so much gratitude, and love just sitting and remembering all the fun times. All the not-so-fun times aren't so clear anymore. I don't even remember them. It's funny how that happens, but thank goodness it does!

Love being single! Love just being you! Love living with fun roommates! Love staying up all night! Love your waist, haha! Sounds so silly, but seriously, enjoy it! Don't have any regrets, live life to it's fullest! The fullest it can be right now! Love right here, right now! And later, you'll have an ETERNITY to love the one who finds you and won't let you go :)

Melanie and Steve Barnes said...

P.S. Sorry about the soap box. Well, the two boxes. I don't know why I got on them. I think it's just stuff I so WISH someone would have told me when I was 18, and didn't have to figure out so many years later on my own. I just love you Lisa, and Annie, and all of you! You are just the cutest, funnest (I know that's not a word), girls ever, and I totally miss seeing all of you! Don't get me wrong, married life is awesome, I didn't want to sound like it was otherwise, but single life is awesome too, and I wish I would have had/seen/felt more of that "awesome" while I was single. :)

Melanie and Steve Barnes said...

Gees, I'm a blabber mouth!